


The Tentacle AU

by Atoria (vulcan_slash_robot)



Category: Totalcox - Fandom
Genre: Consentacles, M/M, Magic, Meeting the Family, Proposals, Sexual Mishaps, Tentacles, accidentally, dangerous sex, in that it is both their first time doin it and my first time writing it, terrible first time smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-19
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 12:37:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16832761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulcan_slash_robot/pseuds/Atoria
Summary: On March 19, 2012, Jesse announced live on the TGS Podcast that he knew about Totalcox, thought it was hilarious, and suggested that we add tentacles.On March 19, 2012, I said, "Okay, here you go."





	1. T is for Tentacle, B is for Biscuit

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one is literally and truly the very first piece of slash fiction I ever wrote in my life, six years ago, please don't hold me to this I was so young and it was 99% a joke at the time.

Jesse inhaled deeply as he pulled back from his lover’s mouth, desperate for air. TB smirked at him slightly, wiping some stray saliva from his lips and looking down at the other man, who was flat on his back on the sofa.

“Come on now, you’re not tired already?” he asked the American.

“Are you kidding me? I’m just getting started!” Jesse slipped his hand around the back of TB’s head and pulled him in for another passionate kiss. After a few long seconds they parted once more, and Jesse looked up into the younger man’s eyes a bit sheepishly.

“TB…I’ve been thinking…and…you know, we’ve been kinda fooling around for a while now…I think, I’m, uh, ready. For more.”

TB’s eyes widened and his smile faltered slightly. “More what?” he asked, knowing the answer.

“More intimacy. We’ve been ‘together’ for over a month now, I think I’m ready for more than making out and blowjobs,” Jesse explained. “I mean for God’s sake, we haven’t even been naked together. I wanna be closer to you.” He noted the look of doubt on the other man’s face. “Hey, I’m fine with being bottom if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No, Jesse, it’s not…” TB chewed his lip slightly, reaching up to pull Jesse’s reassuring hand away from his face. “It’s not anything like that. I, um, I have to tell you something. You mustn’t be afraid.”

The blond’s brow knitted with concern as he looked up at his friend’s worried expression.

“TB…John…You know you can tell me anything. What’s wrooooooOH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

As Jesse was speaking, something thin and green had begun to slink out the sleeve of TB’s t-shirt, curling and coiling around the Brit’s arm.

“It’s nothing to be afraid of! Please, Jesse calm down!” TB held tightly onto Jesse’s hand as the other man struggled to crawl away. “Jesse! It’s nothing, it won’t hurt you, it’s just…me. It’s part of me.”

“WHAT THE SHIT.”

“Jesse I’m sorry, I know it’s weird, I don’t know why I have them, I just always have!” TB tried desperately to explain as the tendril of flesh reached his wrist.

“THEM? What them?? There are more? WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY???”

“Um, tentacles, basically. There are four. Please, Jesse, I’m sorry I scared you, but try to take it easy. I’m still me. There’s just…uh…more of me than you knew about.”

TB gave a feeble, crooked smile in an attempt to calm his friend. Jesse was still breathing rapidly, eyes fixed on the tentacle creeping slowly toward his fingers across TB’s hand. As it reached him it reared back slightly, as if hesitant to touch him. Slowly, gently, it dipped back down to stroke the back of his trembling hand. Jesse’s eyes fell partly closed and he let out a breath he had not realized he was holding in. He knew that touch. Whatever it may look like, the thing caressing him was TB, and that was what really mattered.

“Um…uh…wow,” stammered the American with a nervous laugh, “This is weird.”

TB sighed and nodded resignedly. “I understand, Jesse, and I don’t blame you. We don’t have to do this anymore, you’re free to go and find someone normal. You deserve that.”

“Whoa whoa whoa hold on there Total…Conclusion-jumper,” Jesse interjected (unable to come up with a witty name for his lover under the circumstances), “I didn’t say I wanted that. I still love you ya dumbass, just give me more than two minutes to get used to the new info here. And take this thing off, I wanna see you how you really are.”

Jesse punctuated his last sentence by seizing the collar of TB’s shirt with his free hand, quickly yanking it over the protesting Brit’s head.

“Much better!” he exclaimed as he wrestled the shirt of fully and flung it across the room. “Now,” he shuffled out from under his friend slightly so that he could sit up and face him, “Show me.”

TB looked at him with a mixture of frustration and fear, finally averting his eyes in defeat and unfurling four long, lithe, green, serpentine appendages originating from his shoulders.

“Wow,” muttered Jesse, “I’m liking this better already.” He giggled to himself and added, in his cheesiest lovestruck voice, “Take me in your arms, my love!”

He proceeded to hug the dark-haired man tightly around the waist, knocking the wind out of him slightly. TB was taken aback for a moment, then draped his arms around the blond’s shoulders. Perhaps we will be able to get past this, he thought.Just pretend there’s nothing wrong with me. He began to curl his tentacles back up, out of the way, where Jesse wouldn’t have to deal with them.

“Excuse me, I believe I said ‘take me in your arms, my love’”, Jesse protested, “All of them.”

“What?” sneering disbelief was written all over the Brit’s face. “You WANT me to touch you with–”

“YES. How many times do I have to ask?”

Grinning and shaking his head, TB tilted his friend’s face upward for a kiss, pulling him in as one tentacle snaked around the back of Jesse’s head, curling into his hair, and another encircled his waist. The remaining two pressed firmly against his hips, trailing suggestively toward the waistband of his pants. Jesse moaned pitifully into his lover’s mouth, and that seductively helpless noise was all it took to set TB off.

Suddenly writhing green tentacles were everywhere, inside Jesse’s clothes, all over his skin, touching, groping, feeling; as were TB’s hands. Before the American had a chance to register what had happened, his clothes had vanished, stripped away by green blurs whipping past his field of vision. Deceptively strong, smooth tendrils of love wrapped themselves tightly around his wrists, pinning his arms to the sofa as TB frantically struggled to remove his own pants.

“Damn TB, what-”

“Are you still ready for more?” TB asked with a note of urgency. “Even with this, do you want to…?”

“Yes. Oh my god yes. Think of the possiBIlities…” Jesse’s voice briefly shot up in volume and pitch as TB trailed one of his tentacles across the blond’s bare crotch, gently stroking his balls and brushing against his swiftly hardening shaft. He whimpered helplessly as two of TB’s tentacles prised his legs farther apart, allowing the Brit to position himself between them, resting his own junk against his lover’s exposed ass.

“Tell me you love me, Jesse,” TB murmured, trailing kisses down the other man’s neck.

“Oh God, I love you JOHN!” his voice jumped again and he arched his back as a tentacle prodded at his entrance, not quite daring to go in but foreshadowing of what was to come.

“Tell me that you want me…”

“I want you, John I need you…Ah!” Jesse let out a small cry as the tentacle prodding him was replaced with something much firmer and much more determined to enter. TB wrapped his arms tightly around his longtime friend, cradling him almost protectively as he pushed forward slowly, doing what he could not to hurt him. Tentacles continued to writhe over Jesse frantically, stroking his ass and encircling his thighs. TB made his way deeper into the blond, both aroused and concerned by the timid, pained cries he was emitting. The younger man reached around with one tentacle to grasp his lover’s dick, in an attempt to help the pain transition to pleasure. Jesse’s cries shifted immediately in pitch, and by the time TB was fully inside him he seemed to be enjoying himself much more.

“Just…just say something if you want me to stop, ok?” TB whispered breathlessly.

“I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem,” Jesse answered, “But is there a reason I’m not allowed to use my hands?”

“Oh! No, I guess not. I kinda forgot I was holding those down.”

TB released his grip on Jesse’s wrists, allowing the blond to wrap his arms tightly around his lover.

“Ok,” Jesse whispered, “I’m ready.”

TB began to grind slowly against him, kissing his neck reassuringly as he began to build up speed. Jesse’s moans became more and more ecstatic as the pain was replaced with physical pleasure and the thrill of being claimed by the man he loved. Between the novelty of their first time, TB’s relief at being accepted in his true form and the overwhelming feeling of closeness Jesse found in having his love cling to him with an inordinate number of limbs, it didn’t take long for them both to feel climax approaching.

“Oh…oh man, John…I…”

“Me too Jesse, oh god…”

“JOooooohnnnngg….”

“Jesse, I lo–ah! I love you!”

The pair reached orgasm almost simultaneously, spasming in each other’s arms, gasping for breath and kissing weakly in the aftermath.

“Huh…ha…Holy shit…” Jesse slurred, “That was…Damn…”

“Well said,” TB smirked, burying his face in Jesse’s chest.

“I gotta admit you didn’t quite do what I was expecting with these,” Jesse observed, stroking a tentacle lovingly.

“Dude, it was our first time, I didn’t want it to be ALL kinky,” TB protested.

“Whatever, bro, you’ll have plenty of chances to…perfect your…art…” Jesse trailed off as he drifted into sleep.

“Indeed,” muttered TB, making himself more comfortable. “…You’re really something, Jesse.”


	2. Accidents Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: "A return to my first ever AU. Extremely NSFW with tentacles and near-angst experiences."
> 
> Chapter rating: E

“Sex with you is the best, John. It’s like my own private orgy.”

TB was tempted to call Jesse out for some logical impossibilities on that statement, but seeing as he was currently firmly seated on the American’s cock while thrusting one tentacle deep into Jesse’s backside and teasing at his mouth with another, it was actually pretty hard to argue with the term “private orgy.” Instead the Brit merely chuckled, tightening his grip on Jesse’s wrists and continuing to pin his legs open.

“Yes, that’s how you like it, isn’t it, boy,” TB purred into his lover’s ear. “You like it when I own your whole body at once, you like to be _overwhelmed_ …”

Jesse whimpered and tried to get at the tentacle by his face, struggling to bring it into his mouth properly. It was true, he really had a thing for being controlled, and with TB being uniquely built for a bit of light bondage, every subsequent encounter seemed to be more kinky than the last. TB grinned at Jesse’s efforts and seized him by the hair, pulling his head back down to the bed. After a very deliberate pause, he dipped the tentacle straight down into Jesse’s eagerly awaiting mouth, stifling the moans he wanted to let out at the feeling of the blond’s tongue frantically working over the appendage.

“Mmmmm, yes, all mine,” TB growled softly, “Show me how much you like it, show me how you like to be _invaded._ Try to swallow me if you can, get as much of me inside you as you can manage…Sometimes I wonder, if I really reached into you from both directions, could I meet myself coming back the other way?”

His tone took on a sinister and threatening edge, and it seemed to have the desired effect on Jesse. Part of the reason TB liked to keep Jesse’s cock inside him during these sessions, despite the slight breach of roles it created, was that doing so made it extremely easy to tell when his lover was most aroused. The idea of TB reaching all the way through him seemed to be _very_ much to the older man’s liking.

“Oh my, you really want that, don’t you? _Let’s have a go then_ ,” TB whispered dangerously, shoving both tentacles deeper at the same time. Of course he never had any intention of truly meeting himself inside Jesse’s belly–that would surely injure them both, assuming his tentacles were even long enough–but it paid to let the blond’s imagination run away with him. 

Muffled cries of fear escaped through Jesse’s nose, but his struggles still seemed to contain an unnecessary amount of bucking and grinding, so TB wasn’t worried. He used his spare tentacles to hold down the other man’s wrists, leaving his hands free so that he could again grab Jesse’s hair with one and stroke his own length with the other. 

“Fight me, go on, _struggle_ for me…” TB moaned, pressing his face into Jesse’s neck. He was starting to lose himself in the pleasure, and the increasingly wild thrashing of his companion was only making it better. 

When Jesse stopped making noises, TB assumed he was just saving his breath. He’d need it to put up this much of a fight. By the time Jesse’s struggles started to weaken, TB was so close to the edge that he paid it no mind. Once he started to get his head together after climax, though, the Brit really wondered why his lover wasn’t moving.

“Jesse? Are you all right, dear? Did you finish–OH SHIT!” TB propped himself up slowly until he could see Jesse’s face, and was totally unprepared for what he found. The blond’s eyes had rolled back into his head, fresh tear-tracks streaked down his face, and his jaw remained wedged open by the tentacle that had been jammed much too far down his throat, blocking his airways. He wasn’t breathing, nor had he been able to in some time.

“Nonononono, come on, wake up for me baby,” in a panic, TB took hold of Jesse’s face and tried to withdraw the tentacle as quickly as he could without doing further damage. His heart sank a little more when removing the blockage wasn’t enough to get Jesse breathing again. He checked for a pulse; thankfully that was still there, but very slow and weak. “Come on, Jesse! You can do this! Don’t give up on me!” TB shouted encouragement, laying Jesse’s limp body flat and attempting to breathe life back into him. 

A few very tense moments passed.

A few very frightened breaths went from one man into the other. 

Jesse coughed suddenly. He shoved the younger man off his face, rolling quickly to the side of the bed.

“mgunnabesick, help…” Jesse mumbled in between fierce, wracking coughs. TB snatched the bedside trash can and pressed it into his hands, just in time. The Brit leaned back, sitting up on the bed and trying to sift through his feelings while Jesse vomited into the trash. Just when he was able to feel relieved that Jesse had survived, the guilt of what had happened really started to sink in. 

“Butt feels weird…" 

"Oh, fuck, I’m still in you a bit. Sorry, here,” in all the chaos TB had forgotten about the other tentacle inside Jesse’s body. He pulled it out gently now, wincing at the realization of just how much of it had been in there. Jesse was sick again; having something so long dragged through his insides couldn’t have felt very good under the circumstances. 

“I’m so sorry,” TB said quietly. “I didn’t mean to–”

“ _Why don’t you go get a shower_ ,” Jesse interrupted. TB left without another word.

Once he stopped dry heaving, Jesse finally stood up to follow. He hadn’t meant to snap at John, it wasn’t like he blamed the poor guy for this. He’d just needed some time alone to recover. Jesse followed the sound of running water into the bathroom. The shower curtains were closed; TB was obviously still bathing and they didn’t fit in there well together so Jesse decided to start by brushing his teeth.

However, in all the time it took to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth, he neither saw nor heard movement from the other side of the curtain. Cautiously, he pulled it aside. TB was sitting on the floor of the tub, facing away from the shower head with his chin on his knees. 

“John? What are you doing?” Jesse asked, concerned.

“Going numb.”

“What?”

“Used to do it all the time. If I just keep still under the water, my back starts to go numb. I can pretend I’m normal. Like I’m not a freak, like I’m not a m-monster…” he buried his face in his knees, fighting back the emotions.

“Aw, baby, no, you’re not–”

“I _killed_ you and I _got off_ on it.”

“You did not kill me I’m right here, I’m fine. We were playing rough and we had an accident, it happens,” Jesse said seriously. “You think other people don’t have accidents? There’s plenty of people out there who choke each other on purpose, you think they never get carried away?”

“But they–”

“No. No buts. You are not a monster,” Jesse insisted. “You are a person, and a damn good one. You’re my friend, my lover, my snuggle-bunny, my master…and maybe, someday, I hope…my husband?" 

One terrified eye swiveled to meet Jesse’s imploring ones from the tub. 

"Life is precious, John, and I wanna spend mine with you,” Jesse’s voice was a little shaky now. “Will you marry me?”

TB stayed very still for a while. Eventually, he tipped his head back up, resting his chin on his knees where it had been when Jesse found him. 

“Jesse, I…I hope you’ll forgive me, if I don’t answer that right now,” TB said slowly. “I don’t quite trust that you’re asking for the right reasons.”

“…ok,” Jesse tried to master his disappointment. It wasn’t quite a no, after all.

“I’m sorry. I’ll get us some fresh bedding and you get cleaned up, ok?”

“…ok.”

“Don’t look at me like that, Jesse. Ask me again sometime when things aren’t so….this.”

“Just go get the room ready.”

“…ok." 


	3. Meet the Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter rating: T
> 
> The fluffiest part of the AU. This is the bit with the spider.

“Your mom lives way the hell out here, man,” Jesse commented. It’d been over two hours since they last passed any real signs of civilization besides the narrow road they were trundling along in their rented car. 

“She keeps her distance from other people,” John explained, “It’s better for her experiments.”

“What kind of experiments? What does she do?”

“Oh, stuff. I think you’ll find I’m far from the strangest thing ever to be created under that roof." 

"Wh…?”

“Ah, no. We’re nearly there, you’ll just have to wait.”

Smirking a little, John turned suddenly onto a well-hidden gravel driveway off the main road. Another few minutes winding through trees and they were pulling up to the front door of a quaint little stone cottage, nestled in with a small, neat garden at the base of a narrow valley. An older woman, probably in her early sixties, emerged from the house as they were getting out of the car. Her silver hair was tied back in a tight bun and she wore a modest calico dress, complete with apron. 

“Is that my little Johnny?” she asked in a thicker version of John’s accent. Her voice was just slightly creaky with age. “Come home to visit at last?”

“Hullo, Mum,” John replied, smiling broadly and striding toward her. She was quite a bit smaller than him and he lifted her up easily in a hug. Using all six “arms”, Jesse noticed with slight surprise.

“Johnny! In front of your friend?” John’s mother was shocked.

“He knows, Mum. Jesse’s very special to me. We have no secrets from him, ok?" 

She looked back and forth from her son to his friend, thoughtfully. Something changed very subtly in her demeanor; she seemed much less frail and much more wise to Jesse. Eventually she smiled.

"If my boy trusts you, that’s good enough for me,” she said kindly to Jesse. “Welcome, young man, it’s lovely to meet you. Jesse, was it?”

“Yes ma'am,” Jesse responded, shaking her hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you too, Mrs. Bain." 

John’s expression froze slightly, in the way of all people who have forgotten to share vital information about their families with their significant others before introducing them.

"It’s only _Miss_ Bain, dearie,” John’s mother explained, seemingly unruffled, although she shot John a bit of a look behind Jesse’s back as she ushered them into the house. Not a major faux pas, but it embarrassed her a little to have to correct that mistake. “I never married John’s father. Not quite sure who he was, to be frank." 

”…ok.“ 

"Yes, I’m afraid our little Johnny was a bit of a surprise to me,” Miss Bain continued. “If I’d known he was on the way, well. I hope you don’t think I’d have been so irresponsible as to let this happen if I’d _known.”_

“Let what happen?" 

"Mum I think you’ve skipped a few chapters in that story, he doesn’t know what you’re on about,” John interjected. He steered Jesse by the shoulders slightly, guiding him to the living room sofa by the fireplace and sitting down beside him. “Mum does magic, Jesse. That’s why she lives way out here.”

“Magic? That’s a real thing?”

“I thought you said he knew about this, son,” Miss Bain’s voice was a bit cold, as if she felt she’d been lied to. She didn’t seem like the sort you’d want to cross, Jesse decided. 

“He knows about _these,”_ John clarified, poking a tentacle out of his sleeve and waving it around a little for emphasis, “But only that they’re there, not why.”

“I see. Well it’s very simple, dear,” Miss Bain began, taking a seat in a wing-backed chair across from them. “Magic, like many things, is not good for unborn children. Expecting mothers shouldn’t go mucking about with spells and reagents and arcane artifacts. It’s lucky I didn’t take any longer to realize he was in there.”

“Oh, so this, they’re, it’s kind of like fetal alcohol syndrome, but with magic,” Jesse ventured, trying to understand. He looked to John for confirmation that he was on the right track, but noticed that his boyfriend looked a bit sad. Too late Jesse realized they were putting a lot of emphasis on something that he already knew was a sore subject for his beloved. 

“We prefer not to make that comparison, love,” Miss Bain corrected gently. She’d noticed the look on her son’s face as well. “Alcohol is a poison; it damages and it harms. Magic is a tool. It changes. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes just for the different. I didn’t damage my baby, I only changed him. His life could’ve been easier if I hadn’t, but what’s done is done, and I love him just the same,” She leaned over to the low coffee table between them, on which was a tea service that she’d already laid out. “Speaking of, I hear whispers that someone _else_ has been loving him too, of late,” she raised her tea with a conspiratorial grin. “I can’t get a word out of him but maybe you know. Surely such a close friend must have met the mystery woman who’s got my boy in such a spin? You must tell me all about her, don’t let him stop you!”

It was Jesse’s turn to freeze awkwardly, with the words “Yes, we’ve been very happy together” half-formed in his mouth. He turned very slowly to John, eyes wide with panic. _Mystery woman??_

“Ah…yeah…M-mum, I wanted to talk to you about that,” John stammered. His mouth had gone dry. She looked at him quizzically, lowering her tea. “You see, um, the thing…that’s really why…you mustn’t be angry, Mum, it’s only–”

“ _John_ ,” her tone was dangerous. She glared daggers at him, and he took Jesse’s hand, searching for the courage to say what he’d come all this way to tell her. 

“Mum there’s no woman!” John looked petrified, but defiant. He was practically crushing Jesse’s hand. “It’s Jesse. I brought him here because we’re together, Mum." 

"How… _how dare you!_ ” she leapt to her feet, staring furiously down at her son.

“MUM, DON’T!” John shouted. Even he wasn’t sure what he was afraid she’d do, but she was absolutely livid. He tried to put himself between her and Jesse. 

“You….you…!”

“Don’t you hurt him, don’t you dare hurt him, he’s everything to me, Mum, please!" 

"How could you?” Her fury melted into disappointment. " _How could you think that of me??_ “

John was stunned into silence. He stared at her with his mouth open, still shielding Jesse. 

"How could you think I would be so hateful?” she continued, voice cracking. “All I’ve ever wanted is for my little boy to be happy, how could I hurt the one he loves? You lied to me, you didn’t trust me! How could you? How could you think I’d be anything but overjoyed to meet someone so important to my son?" 

"M…Mummy?” John sounded like a little boy on the verge of tears. Jesse had a sudden image of a young John coming in from the woods with a scraped knee or a broken toy, afraid that he’d be in trouble, only to find out his mother was only angry because she wanted him to be safe. 

“John I think your mom could use a hug,” Jesse whispered in his ear, pushing forward on his back. Needing no further prompting, John leapt from the sofa and clutched the old woman to his chest. He sobbed quietly with relief.

“I’m s-so sorry, Mummy,” he said, “I just, I have to protect him. I love him so much. I can’t lose him, I can’t let–”

John was cut off by a terrified shriek from the sofa, followed quickly by a Jesse-colored blur shooting past him to the other side of the room. 

“SOMEBODY GET A FUCKING AXE! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!” Jesse screamed, pointing back at the sofa from his new vantage point crouching on top of a dining chair. 

John whirled around with his fists raised, but immediately lowered them. “Oh for goodness sake, is _this_ what you’re afraid of?” He pointed to a giant, two-foot-long jumping spider sitting in the seat next to where Jesse had been. 

“ _Um yes hello it is a giant-ass spider is nobody going to do anything?_ ”

“ **Friend?** ” the spider said, in a deep but chittery voice. 

“IT FUCKING TALKS??”

“Yes he talks, this is Harold,” John explained, trying to find a balance between being frustrated with and amused by Jesse’s reaction. Out of context he would have found it hilarious, but having his boyfriend call for the blood of his childhood pet didn’t make him very happy. He crouched down a bit, facing the spider. “Hey, boy, remember me? C'mere Harold!”

“ **Friend?** ” the spider repeated. It extended its pedipalps toward him, as if sniffing. “ **Jawn-na**!" 

Ecstatic with recognition, the spider sprang from the sofa and landed smack in the middle of John’s chest, clinging to his shirt and stroking his face with its pedipalps. Jesse gave a strangled little cry behind him, and a series of loud thumps suggested that he’d slipped off his chair. John just smiled, cradling Harold in his arms and stroking the spider’s bright green chelicerae (the big mouthparts). 

"Aw, it’s good to see you, little guy,” John cooed, turning to sit back down on the couch. The spider shuffled down and huddled into John’s lap, chittering happily. “Jesse, don’t be such a baby. I’ve had Harold since I was five, he’s not gonna hurt you." 

Jesse took a few steps toward them, warily. John patted the seat next to him. Miss Bain poured her son a cup of tea and handed it to him just as Jesse reached the sofa and sat down as far away from the spider as possible. She sat back in her own chair, watching the scene unfold. This American boy was adorable; she hoped John would keep him around for a good long time. 

” **Stranger!** “ Harold said, startled. He reared back with his front legs in the air, flashing his chelicerae and trying to look imposing. ” **Loud stranger!** “

"No, Harold, _friend,”_ John admonished, as if training a dog. He gave Jesse a slightly disapproving look to stop him trying to lean farther away. “Jesse wants to be friends, doesn’t he?”

“Hi,” Jesse said weakly, waving. “Nice spider.”

“ **Friend?** ” Harold said again. He put his legs down and inched toward Jesse, who cringed but stayed still. 

“Put your hand out,” John coached. A sly smile crept onto his face.

Jesse extended his hand but shut his eyes. He expected the spider to sniff it, or…can spiders lick? Something roughly round and unaccountably soft and furry dropped into his palm. He peeked. The spider was standing calmly on the cushions between him and John, resting the end of one pedipalp in Jesse’s hand. “Shake!” John mouthed at him. Bewildered, Jesse furled his fingers around the proffered appendage and gave the spider a very timid handshake. 

“ **Hello,** ” Harold said happily. “ **Friend now.** " 

The monstrous pet crawled into Jesse’s lap and made itself at home. Jesse looked helplessly at his lover. John giggled. 

"Harold’s pretty bright, but he has a very simple worldview,” John explained. “Anybody who’ll give him a handshake and a lap is friends forever." 

Harold suddenly jumped slightly, as if startled. He swiveled to face Jesse and stood up with his front legs against the man’s chest. Jesse sat frozen with new terror, staring into the many reflective eyes now inches in front of his face. The spider sniffed at him, seemingly confused. After a few seconds it moved down a notch, investigating his chest instead. Jesse turned to John for an explanation, but all he got was a bewildered shrug. He sat paralyzed while the spider kept sniffing downward until it had its face in Jesse’s crotch. 

” **Friend smell like Jawn-na!** “ The spider finally exclaimed. Oh dear. Jesse blushed beet red. Their plane _may_ have gotten in very late last night, and they _may_ have had to spend a night in a hotel before driving out, and they _may_ have shared some mostly-chaste but entirely-nude cuddles after stepping out of the shower that morning due to Jesse’s nerves about the situation. ” **Jawn-na has mate?** “

John laughed, burying his face in his hands. He’d forgotten about the time he taught Harold about mates. That had been a fun conversation. "Yes, Harold, Jesse is my mate. I love him very much.”

“ **Jess-ze,** ” Harold said slowly. He sat back and rubbed his face against Jesse’s belly. “ **Jess-ze make Jawn-na happy. Jess-ze take care of Jawn-na?** " 

”…yes?“ Jesse felt very off-kilter. He’d come to this country mentally prepared to talk about their relationship with a lot of different kinds of relatives. "Giant talking spider” was not one he’d planned for. Again he looked to John for help. John was staring at the spider as if completely stymied, and so was his mother. “What? Does he not usually talk this much?”

“Oh no, he can be quite the chatterbox, especially if he’s been lonely,” Miss Bain supplied, “But he _never_ calls anyone by name. Nobody but John. I’ve been caring for him all alone out here for more than ten years and all I still get is ‘friend’,” she glared a bit at Harold. “What gives, you fangy little brat?”

Harold could care less. He’d made himself quite cozy in Jesse’s lap, apparently satisfied that the man was treating John right. He chittered softly and let his eyes fall closed–something he never did unless he felt _very_ safe. 

“Huh,” John said, watching this happen. “I’ve always figured he thought of me like a brother or something, because I’m the only thing that talks and has the same number of limbs as him. He’s always trusted me more than anyone else, and he listens to me better than to Mum. I guess as my 'mate’ you’ve been grandfathered in to some of that. _My god he’s so adorable today._ You really ought to be petting him, Jesse, he’s being very sweet to you." 

"I…how?”

“Teeth or bum, basically. His chelicerae and abdomen are soft, and he likes those pet. I wouldn’t go for the top of his head on a first try, though, it’s too easy to poke an eye." 

A little distressed by the idea of petting a spider’s "teeth”, Jesse carefully lowered a hand onto the creature’s bulbous rear portion. The hair there was quite soft, it turned out. Not as thick as a cat or dog’s fur, but smooth. More like a very small horse. He started to admire the intricate black and white patterns on the spider’s back. He supposed the thing was a _bit_ pretty, if you thought about it. The iridescent green chelicerae caught his eye. John did say those were safe to pet as well, and he’d seen him do it. Holding his breath and fighting his instincts, Jesse reached toward the spider’s mouth and ran his palm over the large, curved, glistening objects. Harold twiddled them happily and leaned into Jesse’s body more. Jesse breathed out in relief and looked up at John, beaming.

“Looks like Harold would be happy to hear our other bit of news then, at least,” John muttered, smiling at them. 

“What news is that?” John’s mom didn’t miss much.

John took a deep breath and turned to face her. “Well, Mum, the reason I brought Jesse out here, despite my apparently unfounded fears, was to tell you….he’s asked me to marry him.”

“I certainly hope you said yes!” she exclaimed, looking delighted. “Good gravy, I wish _I_ had a man who’d look at me like that, especially after I’d dragged him halfway around the world, got him yelled at by an old witch and introduced him to my giant spider!”

“Well yeah, of course I did! After a couple of tries. But why would I drag him out here to tell you I _don’t_ want to marry him?” John laughed and shook his head. “Really, Mum, I did not put him on a plane for fifteen hours just so I could set him down on your couch and say 'this is _not_ your future son.’”

“…future son,” she repeated, looking at Jesse with her eyes glistening. “Heavens above,” she whispered, and then seemed to shake off some of the emotion. “Have you got a ring yet? Can I see?”

“Yes yes, it’s right here. I couldn’t very well wear it in, could I? That would have given the game away,” John pulled a little jewelry box out of his coat pocket and popped it open. Inside was a wide gold band set with diamonds and emeralds. Small ones, but not too small. He started to pull it out of the box, but Jesse interrupted him.

“Abbabababa, no, that’s my job. Give it here,” Jesse held out his hand and beckoned for the box. John grinned at him and slid over so that they were sitting side by side. He passed the ring to his fiance, who removed it from its case with dramatic flair and slipped it lovingly onto John’s right-hand ring finger. “There we are. Now everybody knows you’re taken." 

John laughed and wrapped his arms around the blond–all of them–never wanting to let him go. When Jesse had first asked for his hand, John had been worried that it wasn’t for the right reasons, that he was only asking out of sudden fear. But the next morning he’d found out that Jesse had been planning to ask him for ages, and had bought the ring weeks prior. After learning that, he’d gladly said yes.

"I love you so much, Jesse,” he whispered.

“Love you too, honey,” Jesse replied. 

John’s mother sat back in her chair, watching them like a proud mother hen. 

“Welcome to the family, son.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will never forgive Resident Evil 7 for ruining the ending line of this fic.


	4. Well That Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An odd and slightly pointless side-story that's mainly an exploration of how the tentacles work. Warning: Some blood happens.
> 
> Chapter rating: T

“Mmm, yes, right there…down a bit…ahhhh that’s the one….”

John’s eyes reluctantly fluttered open at the sound of his phone’s text-tone. He fished the offending device out of his pocket and glared at it.

“It’s Mum. She just wants to talk, I think.”

“Go ahead and call her, you can do both,” Jesse replied, not faltering in his attentions. 

“Well, if you’re sure,” John held out a hand towards the mirror over the dresser, only a couple of feet in front of him from this position. Their reflection started to wobble.

“No not like that! On your phone, dummy!” But it was too late. John’s mother was staring back at them from the mirror, with a pleasant smile frozen on her face.

“Is this a bad time, boys?” she finally offered, breaking the awkward silence. 

“He’s just rubbing my back, Mum, we’ve got pants on,” John promised. 

“If you say so, only my son-in-law is giving me a very embarrassed look over his husband’s shoulder, in the bedroom, no clothing in sight…you can hang up, you know.”

 _“Look,_ Mum, pants! Trousers even!” John leaned way back, sticking his foot up in the air until she could see the cuff of his jeans.

He was sitting backwards in a kitchen chair at the foot of the bed with Jesse behind him, a great position for massages since the back of the chair gave John something to lean on. Also something to hang on to when leaning back to show off his pants.

“Oh god…” Jesse muttered, crossing his arms over his chest self-conciously as his husband’s antics left him far more exposed to view. “Hi, Mama Bain." 

"Hello, Jesse,” she replied. “Johnathan, behave yourself. Sit up straight, and fetch your young man a shirt.”

“Rubbish!” John said cheerily, leaning forward again. “I’m all the shirt he needs!”

“Wha–aah!”

To Jesse’s slight mortification, John’s tentacles suddenly shot out and wound themselves around him. He was yanked forward unceremoniously and crushed tightly to John’s back.

“ _Can’t breathe…_ ” Jesse wheezed.

The mad grin John had been wearing was instantly gone, and he released Jesse at once. He didn’t joke around with airflow anymore.

“Anyways, Mum, what did you want to talk abouAAHAHAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" 

In retaliation for this whole embarrassing situation, Jesse had gone for the trump card, mercilessly tickling his beloved into hysterics. John’s mother very slowly facepalmed, watching her son flail uselessly against the torment. He kept trying to use his tentacles to hold Jesse back, but before he could get a grip Jesse would just prod them at the base, triggering John’s reflexes and forcing him to suddenly retract them. Miss Bain eventually started to reach out toward her mirror to hang up, thinking she’d call her son another day–except that then it all went wrong.

Two simultaneous cries of shock and pain made her pause and look back at the mirror. Both men were holding perfectly still in mid-flail; Jesse’s left arm was around John’s chest, John’s hands clawed helplessly at the air, and three of John’s tentacles were striving to get grips on various parts of Jesse. 

"Boys? What’s the matter?” Miss Bain asked sharply.

John was staring in blind panic at a spot somewhere off to the side of their mirror, taking very shallow, rapid breaths. His chest didn’t seem to be rising and falling in the correct direction. 

“Uh…um…that’s not supposed to happen. That doesn’t happen. John, what do I do? Help, help me, what–”

“Jesse don’t babble, what’s happened?” John’s mother had no time for panic if her boys were in trouble. 

“I poked a thing, I poked a thing wrong!”

“You what?”

“You know those holes in his back, where the tentacles come out, and if you poke them they shoot back in? I guess I poked the wrong side? And he snagged on me on the way in? Because I am up past my elbow in his back right now…and, uh…oh god honey. There’s something in my hand, and it’s beating.”

John’s eyes widened even further.

“It’s beating a lot faster now,” Jesse chewed his lip and looked pleadingly to his mother-in-law. “What do I do?" 

She examined her son as calmly as possible. She could see now where his ribs were bowed out and bulging unpleasantly due to this sudden invasion of his chest cavity. 

"All right, we’ve got to act fast, but you have to calm down. John, keep breathing. Jesse, do **not** move your hand. _From the shoulder_ , wiggle your arm just a bit, gently, and see if you can pull it back at all.”

Jesse did as she instructed. After a moment, his arm shifted about an inch.

“Oh,” he said, going slightly pale. “That broke the seal, apparently. There’s starting to be a lot of blood.”

“Shit. Jesse, I’m going to teach you a simple healing spell. It won’t be enough but it will keep him from bleeding to death.”

She recited the spell, and Jesse repeated it several times, until he got it right.

“I felt something!” he exclaimed. There had been a faint tingle in his fingertips as he spoke the last syllable, and John had whimpered slightly. 

“Good, Jesse, keep pulling back, and repeat the spell every time your arm moves.”

Jesse did as he was instructed, working slowly. Midway through his forearm, John’s body seemed to force him out suddenly, several inches at once, until he was barely in over his wrist. The sudden decrease in chest-invasion allowed John his first deep breath since the ordeal had begun, and he used it to cry out in pain.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, I’m sorry, I’m working on it,” Jesse said through clenched teeth between repetitions of the spell.

“Not angry,” John panted, finally able to speak. “Just hurts.”

A few more inches and spells, and Jesse’s hand was finally free. John slumped forward gratefully to lean on the chair-back, taking huge breaths and grimacing. 

“Well,” Jesse said eventually, glancing from his blood-streaked arm to his husband’s uncomfortably hunched form, “That happened." 


End file.
